6 weeks and 4 day heartbreak

JM and I had been waiting till we were a little further along to tell the world, but a couple of weeks ago we found out we were pregnant. We had been taking it slow telling people and were just starting to realize this was real. The baby's name was "Ladi" for the time being and neither of us had ever known a love like this. We were falling harder and harder with each passing day and each wave of nausea.

We came down to Sanibel Island with my mom last Wednesday. Everything was great and we were all having a great time. Sunday JM left to go home since classes started, but Mom and I were staying till Wednesday. After he left Mom and I did a boating cruise and had dolphins ride along side us (I'll blog with pictures later) and everything seemed wonderful. Later Sunday, I started having some very light bleeding. I had read and been warned by the doctor that this could happen and was normal, so I ordered myself bedrest for the rest of the day and the bleeding seemed to subside.

When I woke up Monday morning the bleeding had become a little heavier so we called my doctor who instructed us to go to the ER since we were away from home. At the ER they were calling it a 'threatened miscarriage', meaning that I hadn't miscarried but the possibility was there. My cervix was still closed and the exam showed just a small amount of bleeding which calmed me and made me think this was just a scare. But then I went for the ultrasound (and since I wasn't far along I had to get a Foley catheter inserted to blow up my bladder...let's add a little more pain to this) and I could tell they weren't seeing anything. I knew it was early and there would be a chance the sak wouldn't show up yet, but in my heart I knew this wasn't good. I had read that you could hear a heartbeat by this time and I wasn't hearing a peep.

The ER had picked up by then so unfortunately it took about an hour for my nurse to come get the catheter back out. By this time I was in rather serious pain but I thought it was from the Foley. Then I noticed clotting when I went to the bathroom and knew it was ending. The doctor said I was probably going to lose the baby. Unfortunately, they sent me on my way with some vicodin but didn't explain what was going to happen. I think a lot of times with pregnancies people just assume you know more than you do. My mom had never had a miscarriage and I had no idea what to expect, so we just thought it was like starting your period. Mom was trying to get me a flight home that afternoon because it was making it so much harder being away from JM. Luckily the flight out didn't work because I never would have made it. By the time we got back to the condo I was in extreme pain and the 1 vicodin they gave me at the hospital was acting like a placebo. Mom called my doctor for me and they said what I was feeling were contractions and it would keep getting worse until the baby passed. At this point I sent Mom out to refill my vicodin thinking that would help (the pain was so severe I was worried I would pass out), but thankfully within minutes of her leaving I passed it.

The airlines couldn't do a whole lot and I understand. They would waive the penatly fee but I still would've had to pay the difference of the flight to come back today instead of tomorrow...and it was well over $100. All I truly want to do is get back to JM, it breaks my heart that he's at home by himself. But, the flight tomorrow morning has lots of open seats and that won't cost to get on standby since my original flight is in the evening, so Mom and I are going to the airport early tomorrow to try and get on the early flight. Then I go to the doctor on Thursday morning for the DNC or whatever it is to make sure everything cleared out on its own.

Although it was/is hard to be away from JM, I'm truly blessed that my mom is with me. I think she was on the phone for well over 3 hours yesterday trying to get flights changed and talking with my doctor and keeping my dad, brother, and even JM updated when I couldn't do it.

Thanks to all my friends and family for the kind words and listening ears. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you all. I think we can start healing when JM and I get to mourn together tomorrow.

I have a newfound respect for the words that you say to someone who is going through something heartbreaking. The ER doctor (PA, actually) was male and not married and you could tell he had no idea how to deal with a woman crying that you just told is going to lose her first baby. He gave me the whole speal about how the baby probably wasn't viable and that's why I was losing it so early, it's nature's way, etc. I just kept thinking, yea, I know this. It may not have been viable but it was OUR baby. But I had to remind myself that he's probably never experienced this and he only knows the 'medical' things to say. The little foreign lady who came in to register me to the hospital when I first got there did make me smile though. She was taking my info and I kept starting to cry, then she realized I was pregnant and what was happening. She came back in to give me my insurance card back and said, "You're not the only one going through this, you just have to pray". My first reaction was to think 'I don't care if every other room in this ER is some other woman having the same thing happen, this is MY baby in trouble'. Then I realized I think she meant I'm not alone...God is always there. It made me smile at her broken English and I felt touched, it probably took a lot for her to come back in and try to say something comforting to me.

Anyway, like I said, hopefully I'll be back in Indy tomorrow afternoon. And I know it's kind of cliche, but it does bring me some hope that at least we know we can get pregnant...this was the first month we tried.

And if anyone is up by our house, please feel free to stop in and check on my husband, or send him a text. I think what's hurting him the most is that he can't be with me, and it breaks my heart to know he's by himself. My brother went over and spent some time with him and I know my dad has been checking on him, but it would mean the world to me to have people check on him so he knows he's not alone until I get there.