Flooding

JM and I recently learned a technique that I feel, if used correctly, could make a huge difference in many marriages and relationships. 

We met with the small groups minister at our church who enjoys counseling marriage issues.  Before the baby is born, there are things that I was hoping to at least get started working on in our relationship.  I know arguments are inevitable and we are going to disagree, but I wanted to learn how to communicate better during those times.  We seem to have arguments and nothing is ever resolved.  It's like we just get tired of arguing and brush it under the rug.  Unfortunately, by using this tactic, that stuff hidden under the rug always seems to make its way out at a later point in time. 

I know that whatever our children grow up seeing in our relationship is what they are going to think is normal, and in turn is what they will expect out of their own relationships when they reach adulthood.  I never want to think of my little girl in a relationship that's verbally abusive, or one where yelling or swearing at each other is how they communicate, or going in and out of relationships because divorce is easier than dealing with the problem...all because that's what she saw growing up.  I feel that if she sees that her parents do argue, but they find resolution in it and treat each other with respect during it, she will seek the same thing in life.  If she grows up knowing that divorce isn't an option and that you should never settle for a mediocre life, but instead work hard at improving your relationship, which also means working on yourself, then that is what she'll work to attain.

Please keep in mind that JM and I do not have a verbally abusive relationship where we swear and yell at each other.  Nor are we heading down that road.  I'm just trying to be proactive.  Our lives are hectic enough right now trying to work multiple jobs and overtime to make ends meet.  Add a baby into it, and there's going to be less time to work on us.  My hope is that if we start working on 'us' now, by the time she enters our lives, working to improve our relationship will be something we do automatically and on a consistent basis. 

But I digress.  The minister we met with had many amazing suggestions and gave us each a different book to read that he thought would benefit us.  There is one idea that he shared with us that he and his wife use.  Keep in mind, I do not know the book this comes from or where the research was done or any specifics.  I'm telling this from what I heard him say, so it's also being told from a woman's point of view.  Regardless, I think it could help many couples.  JM and I are working on making it part of our relationship.  In theory, it sounds like it will work great, but it's a concept that's much easier said than done.

The concept is called "flooding".  A researcher did a study where he hooked couples up to machines and measured blood pressure, heart rate, etc.  He found that during an argument, there is a point where all of your vital signs increased...a point in which he called flooding.  Once flooding was reach, tempers flared and things were said that the couples felt badly about later.  He also found that after flooding was reached, it took anywhere from 30-60 minutes for vital signs to return to normal.  As you can imagine, during an argument, there is no downtime to let your vitals return to normal, making a resolution very difficult for a couple to obtain. 

Going on with this idea, men and women are different...plain and simple.  Let's take women for example.  During an argument, flooding will tend to make them sharp as a tack.  They know exactly what to say and what jabs to throw and just what to do to get their point across.  To show my personal experiences, when I reach this flooding point, I could argue any lawyer into a corner and make him cry.  I am by no means proud of that, especially when I see what it does to my spouse when he's left speechless or his temper shows because I've driven him to it, but it's what happens. 

Women also absolutely need to have closure in an argument.  We need to know what has been resolved to make this argument worth it...in other words, what did we learn from this?  Leaving an argument unresolved will eat away at us.  We can't sleep and will continue to get more and more angry the longer the argument is left unresolved...which will inevitably lead to another argument.

Men, on the other hand, are the complete opposite.  When they reach the flooding stage, they seem to lose all communication skills.  The woman has become sharper and the man can't keep up.  He's trying to come up with his next sentence but she's throwing words at him and he has to tune her out to find what it is he wants to say.  All men want to do is go to their 'cave' and make the argument go away.  If you've read "Men are from Mars...", you know exactly what I'm talking about.  Also, if men let themselves stay in the argument and reach the flooding stage, their temper will surface, which is when they say things that will make the situation much worse because they're feeling threatened and aren't being allowed enough time to think about what it is they actually want to say. 

So here is the compromise that the minister and his wife have developed using flooding.  An argument or disagreement arises, as will happen.  She's becoming sharper and wanting a resolution.  He starts to feel himself 'flood'.  He can tell his vital signs are increasing, he's on the verge of becoming angry and not able to think straight.  He states, "I'm feeling flooded".  This is where the compromise comes in, and both parties need to fulfill their portion for this to work.

After he states he's feeling flooded, the argument and the wife need to stop.  This is very hard for the wife, as she wants a result now.  This is a huge compromise on the woman's part.  She doesn't want to wait for him to get his head on straight...she can finish this now, why can't he?  But, it's part of the deal that's been made.  She stops.  The husband has already made a huge step by controlling his anger and emotions and instead of letting them get the best of him, he admits that he needs a break and claims flooding. 

But, for this to work, many other things need to happen.  After he states he's feeling flooded, he also needs to tell her an exact time in which they will revisit the subject.  It should be at least 30-60 minutes from then to let them both return to their normal state of minds.  He can say that they'll come back to this in an hour, after he gets home from work, after the kids go to bed....you get the picture.  But, HE HAS TO GIVE A TIME.  Otherwise, the woman feels like he's just trying to get out of the argument.  She feels he 'claimed flooding' because he just wants to go to bed or watch the game, and that will cause the woman to feel unloved and taken advantage of.  We all know that if she's left to feel this way...there will be another argument or she won't be able to recover from her flood and her anger will continue to rise, which doesn't help the situation. 

After he has stated he's feeling flooded and would like to discuss this at an exact time, he needs to leave the situation.  I'm not saying he needs to go to a hotel or anything drastic like that.  But he needs to leave the room.  If they're getting ready for bed, he cannot continue to lay there read his book.  For one thing, he's showing his wife that he's not thinking over what happened and focusing on what he needs to say and do.  She feels that he's literally just trying to cop out of the argument.  He didn't feel like arguing right now, so he's claiming flooding so she'll shut up and he can go on doing what he was doing.  This will not work.  She needs to feel that he loves her enough to take this seriously and hold up his end of the bargain.  He needs to go to another room, go for a walk, whatever will help him focus on what he would like to say.  By staying in the same room, the woman isn't being allowed time to recover AND the husband is testing out her self-control.  Remember, she still desperately wants to continue this and come to a conclusion.  She has shown a huge commitment to him and his needs by stepping back when he claims flooding.  Do not test her ability to continue that by sitting there reading in front of her.  He needs to respect what she feels she is giving up to let him recover and step away. 

He also needs to spend that time calming himself and finding the words to continue the discussion in a civilized manner.  If she's read "Men are from Mars...", she understands that by going to his cave he may need to watch tv for a bit or play a video game to calm down.  It's hard for her because she's still sitting there incomplete and hurting, but she's accepting he needs to do this and she puts his needs before her own.  But if she finds that he's been playing the game or watching tv, has not thought things through himself, or just fails to return to the subject...you guessed it...another argument. 

And let's be honest, if any of the above things have happened, she isn't going to respect his 'flooding' claim the next time because she feels he has shown her that he is not taking her, the argument, or their relationship seriously.  She feels he is only showing that he is continuing to put his own wants ahead of her and their relationship.

Men also need to understand that although this flooding claim was created to allow him time to calm himself and find his own words, it also works to his advantage.  From experience, I can tell you that if I'm removed from the argument for 30-60 minutes and I TRUST that JM will return to discuss the topic, I ease up.  My vitals are given a chance to return to normal and I'm able to see the topic more clearly as well.  So when JM comes back to finish discussing, he's not dealing with the same angry person he was dealing with at the time.  I've calmed and looked at more sides to the subject, therefore I will be much more willing to listen to what he has to say and how he feels, rather than continue my attack because I'm quicker on my feet. 

But, again, I have to have been told a time and TRUST in him that he will return to the subject.  Just as he needs to be able to TRUST that when he tells me he's feeling flooded, I stop.

I'm sure any man reading this will think, "Typical woman wrote this because it's all about what the MAN needs to do".  But that's the point.  Most women can argue a topic for hours and be sharp and on the ball the whole time.  Most men cannot.  This has been created so the man has the same opportunity to share his point or feelings.  By using this, he just gets extra time to think about it without his wife repeating her points and not allowing him to think clearly regarding what he wants to say.  And trust me, shutting up mid-argument is harder for a woman than any man could imagine :-)