Release

This past Saturday JM, Mom and I attended "A Walk to Remember". It was a memorial service for families and friends who have lost children. A friend of mine had told me about it and I was so excited to go...then the night before I started to chicken out. I wasn't sure if I was really ready for this. I know the baby's gone, but it's so hard to admit. It's even harder to admit to myself that I need help with this.

JM ended up calling in to work so that made me feel like we had to go, and I'm so incredibly glad we did. Just to be surrounded by so many people in the same situation helped immensely. Then to see all the people with other kids and to see actual proof that there's still hope, that this isn't the end.

The first part was a memorial service where the names were read and you could go put a ribbon angel on a wreath in memory. This portion was called "Remember". It was a very nice little service and it brought my emotions back up which I think was good...then I have to deal with them instead of push them aside to deal with at a 'more appropriate time'.

What helped me the most was the "Release" portion. First, 3 white doves were released. This was to help us look toward the sky, look toward the future, and signify hope. I believe they even said something about the doves carrying our sorrows and grief. Honestly, it was kind of hard to pay attention to the words because the 3 doves took off to the beautiful blue autumn sky and circled multiple times. It was such an amazing site. I truly felt like my soul was being cleansed to start fresh. That all of my grief and blame and every other emotion I had been feeling was being taken away by these birds, leaving me only with hope.

After that, a balloon was released with a card attached with all of the babies' names written on it. This was the second portion of the "Release", but for me it was so much more. As children, my brother and I would get upset when our balloons would fly off into the sky, as children do. To make it better for us, our parents would tell us that the balloons were going to Grandma's, which was many states away in NJ. This always seemed to make us feel better. After the miscarriage, one thing I truly struggled with was the fact that my baby didn't have me. I know it's with God and I know that should comfort me, but I should've been the one taking care of him. I wanted to badly to hold him and to know him. One of the things that helped me with this was knowing that my Grandma was holding him. I know she's taking care of him until I can meet him.

When the balloon was released and almost out of site, I turned to JM to joke that it was going to Grandma's, and the symbolism became clear to me. It was like a huge wave of relief hit. That balloon was indeed going to my Grandma's...she's holding my baby and all my balloons for me. So until then, I am allowed to go on with my life and be filled with hope for the future and it's alright...someone else is taking care of the things that I can't until it's my turn.

6 weeks and 4 day heartbreak

JM and I had been waiting till we were a little further along to tell the world, but a couple of weeks ago we found out we were pregnant. We had been taking it slow telling people and were just starting to realize this was real. The baby's name was "Ladi" for the time being and neither of us had ever known a love like this. We were falling harder and harder with each passing day and each wave of nausea.

We came down to Sanibel Island with my mom last Wednesday. Everything was great and we were all having a great time. Sunday JM left to go home since classes started, but Mom and I were staying till Wednesday. After he left Mom and I did a boating cruise and had dolphins ride along side us (I'll blog with pictures later) and everything seemed wonderful. Later Sunday, I started having some very light bleeding. I had read and been warned by the doctor that this could happen and was normal, so I ordered myself bedrest for the rest of the day and the bleeding seemed to subside.

When I woke up Monday morning the bleeding had become a little heavier so we called my doctor who instructed us to go to the ER since we were away from home. At the ER they were calling it a 'threatened miscarriage', meaning that I hadn't miscarried but the possibility was there. My cervix was still closed and the exam showed just a small amount of bleeding which calmed me and made me think this was just a scare. But then I went for the ultrasound (and since I wasn't far along I had to get a Foley catheter inserted to blow up my bladder...let's add a little more pain to this) and I could tell they weren't seeing anything. I knew it was early and there would be a chance the sak wouldn't show up yet, but in my heart I knew this wasn't good. I had read that you could hear a heartbeat by this time and I wasn't hearing a peep.

The ER had picked up by then so unfortunately it took about an hour for my nurse to come get the catheter back out. By this time I was in rather serious pain but I thought it was from the Foley. Then I noticed clotting when I went to the bathroom and knew it was ending. The doctor said I was probably going to lose the baby. Unfortunately, they sent me on my way with some vicodin but didn't explain what was going to happen. I think a lot of times with pregnancies people just assume you know more than you do. My mom had never had a miscarriage and I had no idea what to expect, so we just thought it was like starting your period. Mom was trying to get me a flight home that afternoon because it was making it so much harder being away from JM. Luckily the flight out didn't work because I never would have made it. By the time we got back to the condo I was in extreme pain and the 1 vicodin they gave me at the hospital was acting like a placebo. Mom called my doctor for me and they said what I was feeling were contractions and it would keep getting worse until the baby passed. At this point I sent Mom out to refill my vicodin thinking that would help (the pain was so severe I was worried I would pass out), but thankfully within minutes of her leaving I passed it.

The airlines couldn't do a whole lot and I understand. They would waive the penatly fee but I still would've had to pay the difference of the flight to come back today instead of tomorrow...and it was well over $100. All I truly want to do is get back to JM, it breaks my heart that he's at home by himself. But, the flight tomorrow morning has lots of open seats and that won't cost to get on standby since my original flight is in the evening, so Mom and I are going to the airport early tomorrow to try and get on the early flight. Then I go to the doctor on Thursday morning for the DNC or whatever it is to make sure everything cleared out on its own.

Although it was/is hard to be away from JM, I'm truly blessed that my mom is with me. I think she was on the phone for well over 3 hours yesterday trying to get flights changed and talking with my doctor and keeping my dad, brother, and even JM updated when I couldn't do it.

Thanks to all my friends and family for the kind words and listening ears. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you all. I think we can start healing when JM and I get to mourn together tomorrow.

I have a newfound respect for the words that you say to someone who is going through something heartbreaking. The ER doctor (PA, actually) was male and not married and you could tell he had no idea how to deal with a woman crying that you just told is going to lose her first baby. He gave me the whole speal about how the baby probably wasn't viable and that's why I was losing it so early, it's nature's way, etc. I just kept thinking, yea, I know this. It may not have been viable but it was OUR baby. But I had to remind myself that he's probably never experienced this and he only knows the 'medical' things to say. The little foreign lady who came in to register me to the hospital when I first got there did make me smile though. She was taking my info and I kept starting to cry, then she realized I was pregnant and what was happening. She came back in to give me my insurance card back and said, "You're not the only one going through this, you just have to pray". My first reaction was to think 'I don't care if every other room in this ER is some other woman having the same thing happen, this is MY baby in trouble'. Then I realized I think she meant I'm not alone...God is always there. It made me smile at her broken English and I felt touched, it probably took a lot for her to come back in and try to say something comforting to me.

Anyway, like I said, hopefully I'll be back in Indy tomorrow afternoon. And I know it's kind of cliche, but it does bring me some hope that at least we know we can get pregnant...this was the first month we tried.

And if anyone is up by our house, please feel free to stop in and check on my husband, or send him a text. I think what's hurting him the most is that he can't be with me, and it breaks my heart to know he's by himself. My brother went over and spent some time with him and I know my dad has been checking on him, but it would mean the world to me to have people check on him so he knows he's not alone until I get there.

No more ducking!

After JM mowed the yard today he made me a very happy lady...he trimmed back our big tree!!! You can see in some of these pictures from before how low some of the branches hung. To mow the lawn or even walk around you had to duck. This first picture was back in the spring so the leaves haven't filled in but you can see how low the branches hang.

This one kind of gives you an idea of how much it hung over our patio.

It looks so much better now. We could trim back a little more but we didn't want to be too aggressive and trim back too much.

And here's the man that made it all happen.

The fence is almost here!!!

We are closing in on our fence!!! After 2-3 weeks of waiting, the homeowners association FINALLY approved our proposal. When I got home from my errands today the survey guy had been here and marked our yard. It was an extra cost but I'm really glad we did it. Our yard is this strange diagonal shape (I forgot my geometery...it's a rectangle that angles...anyone???) and now we have visuals for the neighbors in case they don't know their yards do that. We won't have anyone questioning if we're in their yard or not.

Then at 3 today the fence guy will come out and go over exactly where we want the gates and which decorative posts, etc. Then he'll come out Monday and put the posts and cement down, and I believe then they'll come out Tuesday and finish it! Kodi is thrilled!!! It took me 8 years, but I finally got him a yard!

Of course last night JM was talking to one of our neighbors and it turns out there's an invisible fence already in our yard. But without the transmitter I think we'd still have to pay quite a bit...and not to sound like the old grouchy neighbor, but I'm tired of the teenagers cutting through my yard!

I was excited when I got home and saw the stakes were up so I took pictures!

Kodi's already out there wishing he had a fence so he could lay outside all day.

And then he refused to come inside with me. Just a few more days, Kodi!!!

Beer can chicken

Tonight I made Beer Can Chicken for Dad's birthday dinner. I made two since I had Greg and JM there, and with a total of 4 of us there was just a tiny bit leftover. The chicken itself was delicious, but it was definitely a messy situation! Especially for someone who doesn't like to see bones and that kind of gross stuff on the food she eats!!! After I got the chickens all oiled and seasoned up and put the cans up their behind they cracked me up so I had to take a picture...

Here's the recipe that I found on foodnetwork.com. Keep in mind that they will be dripping, oily and hot when you get done so have a way to cut them up close by!

Ingredients
1 (4-pound) whole chicken
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
3 tablespoons of your favorite dry spice rub
1 can beer

Directions
Remove neck and giblets from chicken and discard. Rinse chicken inside and out, and pat dry with paper towels. Rub chicken lightly with oil then rub inside and out with salt, pepper and dry rub. Set aside.

Open beer can and take several gulps (make them big gulps so that the can is half full). Place beer can on a solid surface. Grabbing a chicken leg in each hand, plunk the bird cavity over the beer can. Transfer the bird-on-a-can to your grill and place in the center of the grate, balancing the bird on its 2 legs and the can like a tripod.

Cook the chicken over medium-high, indirect heat (i.e. no coals or burners on directly under the bird), with the grill cover on, for approximately 1 1/4 hours or until the internal temperature registers 165 degrees F in the breast area and 180 degrees F in the thigh, or until the thigh juice runs clear when stabbed with a sharp knife. Remove from grill and let rest for 10 minutes before carving.

I also made corn souffle with fresh corn from the farmer's market. We get it from My Dad's Corn up in Tipton County and it's amazing! I found the recipe on their website:

3 cups corn -- 1 cup sour cream -- 1 egg -- 1 box Jiffy corn bread mix --1 stick margarine

Melt margarine. Stir in egg, then all other ingredients. Bake at 350º for 30 minutes or until golden brown.