Release

This past Saturday JM, Mom and I attended "A Walk to Remember". It was a memorial service for families and friends who have lost children. A friend of mine had told me about it and I was so excited to go...then the night before I started to chicken out. I wasn't sure if I was really ready for this. I know the baby's gone, but it's so hard to admit. It's even harder to admit to myself that I need help with this.

JM ended up calling in to work so that made me feel like we had to go, and I'm so incredibly glad we did. Just to be surrounded by so many people in the same situation helped immensely. Then to see all the people with other kids and to see actual proof that there's still hope, that this isn't the end.

The first part was a memorial service where the names were read and you could go put a ribbon angel on a wreath in memory. This portion was called "Remember". It was a very nice little service and it brought my emotions back up which I think was good...then I have to deal with them instead of push them aside to deal with at a 'more appropriate time'.

What helped me the most was the "Release" portion. First, 3 white doves were released. This was to help us look toward the sky, look toward the future, and signify hope. I believe they even said something about the doves carrying our sorrows and grief. Honestly, it was kind of hard to pay attention to the words because the 3 doves took off to the beautiful blue autumn sky and circled multiple times. It was such an amazing site. I truly felt like my soul was being cleansed to start fresh. That all of my grief and blame and every other emotion I had been feeling was being taken away by these birds, leaving me only with hope.

After that, a balloon was released with a card attached with all of the babies' names written on it. This was the second portion of the "Release", but for me it was so much more. As children, my brother and I would get upset when our balloons would fly off into the sky, as children do. To make it better for us, our parents would tell us that the balloons were going to Grandma's, which was many states away in NJ. This always seemed to make us feel better. After the miscarriage, one thing I truly struggled with was the fact that my baby didn't have me. I know it's with God and I know that should comfort me, but I should've been the one taking care of him. I wanted to badly to hold him and to know him. One of the things that helped me with this was knowing that my Grandma was holding him. I know she's taking care of him until I can meet him.

When the balloon was released and almost out of site, I turned to JM to joke that it was going to Grandma's, and the symbolism became clear to me. It was like a huge wave of relief hit. That balloon was indeed going to my Grandma's...she's holding my baby and all my balloons for me. So until then, I am allowed to go on with my life and be filled with hope for the future and it's alright...someone else is taking care of the things that I can't until it's my turn.