Big day ahead

Well, we survived. Today was the day the miscarriage happened last pregnancy. I called in to work to deal with it my own way. I became increasingly nervous and analyzing every little thing I felt on Wednesday night, and to be honest, I just didn't want to deal with that at work.

Therefore, I stayed home. I would've slept in if a certain cat had not found it necessary to attack my feet at 7 a.m. The brightside was that I was able to go to breakfast with Mom (breakfast out is my absolute favorite) at Bub's Cafe and devour a breakfast bowl thing. Yum.

After the devouring, obviously I had to come home and take a nap! JM returned home from class not long after I woke up and although it was frigid cold, we took advantage of the sun and took Kodi for a long walk together. We then just enjoyed each other's company and chilled on the couch watching episodes of some of our favorite sitcoms.

JM wanted to take care of dinner, so he went out and grabbed Papa John's ($10 for a large pizza up to 7 toppings...how could we not?!?) and we watched "Julie and Julia". It turned out to be a really cute movie, although I didn't like something in the end, which I won't say in case I ruin it for someone.

All in all, pretty good day. I'm about to go to bed because I no longer stay up past 9:30 and I'm tired! Plus, I'm so excited for tomorrow morning. In case you don't remember, it's the first prenatal appointment!!! God was good and helped make what I was scared was going to be a negative day into something beautiful. He gave me faith and hope and confidence to get through it and has helped to show me that our appointment tomorrow is going to be wonderful, and we'll see that our child is nothing less than perfect.

Side note, if this is your first pregnancy, please buy "What to Expect When You're Expecting". During our first pregnancy we bought "You're Pregnancy, Week by Week". "You're Pregnancy..." is a great book. It describes everything in immense detail and discusses anything and everything you would ever need to know. However, as one of my friends put it, after a miscarriage, you lose some of the pregnancy innocence that others are able to enjoy. When I have an abdominal cramp, I look in the index of the book and in "You're Pregnancy...", it discusses miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, etc. Since it is written by a doctor, it seems to cover all the possibilities. But when you're 6 weeks along and have already had a miscarriage, the last thing you want to read is about ectopic pregnancies. When I looked in the index of "What to Expect..." it took me to a page that discussed how this is very common in the 4-6ish week of pregnancy and to make sure I discuss it with my doctor at my next visit. It even went on to say that if there is bleeding involved or it's severe cramping, this still could be normal but call your doctor today so they know what's going on. It's much more....soothing I guess is the word. The book is telling you that you're symptoms are probably fine but let's call the doctor so THEY KNOW. Not because the symptoms are a bad sign. They put everything in a positive light, kind of like a mom would :-). "Sweetie, that dress looks amazing, but let's have you try on the next bigger size just to make sure the sizing isn't weird in this line...definitely not because you gained weight!"

Off to bed so I can TRY to sleep before our big morning!!!

Every Moment a Blessing

A week and a half ago JM and I received a very welcome surprise. We've been trying for a baby since the miscarriage and had been so far unsuccessful. I truly didn't think we were pregnant this month. I had no symptoms and no heartburn like I did last time. I had 2 weeks off of work and the day I went back I was expecting to start my cycle. I got kinda bored at work (don't tell my supervisor) and bought a pregnancy test.

To my disbelief, there was a VERY faint line. I had JM come into work and he saw the line, too. We couldn't believe it (and were so apprehensively thrilled) so I took another test and this one was negative. It was only an hour or so after taking the first test, so I don't think I waited long enough. To be on the safe side, I called the doctor and they had me come in for bloodwork as soon as possible, "given my history" (I'm hearing that alot). Sure enough, the bloodwork was positive! To be proactive, the doctor started me on progesterone pills.

The first few days I was thrilled, thrilled, thrilled. Then the worry started setting in. Obviously, I'm still on cloud 9 and grateful we're having another chance, but behind it all there's some worry. Every pain I feel, every time I don't have a symptom. I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive, but some days that's harder than others.

I think this week will be the hardest. At least I hope I'm getting the hardest (emotional) part out of the way! Tomorrow will be the day I started bleeding last time. Then Wednesday will be the day I miscarried. I feel like if I can get past that day, I'll feel more confident. Friday is our first doctor's appointment, and I'm telling myself that if I can just make it to Friday, everything will be perfect. I'll have all my worries disconcerted and know how well the baby is progressing. I'm not sure if we'll be able to do an ultrasound, but they're going to do a full work up so we'll know how it's going.

Yesterday I woke up to some extreme nausea and found excitement in it. I didn't mind at all, in fact, I welcomed it. We're not keeping the news a secret this time, and not waiting to buy things or look at items we'll need. I've decided that I'm going to celebrate every moment I have with this pregnancy. If, God forbid, something is to happen, I want to have enjoyed every moment I had and know that every second I have is truly a blessing we've been given by God.

JM and I have started celebrating every Sunday, which marks a start of a new week in the pregnancy. The last couple of weeks have been with Cupcake Camper's cupcakes and a glass of milk. A prayer is said, thanking God for the past week he's given us and asking him to help us and the baby in the week to come. Then we 'cheers' with our milk glasses and enjoy our cupcake. It's becoming a great weekly celebration for us, and a time to reflect and refocus on what's really important.

Release

This past Saturday JM, Mom and I attended "A Walk to Remember". It was a memorial service for families and friends who have lost children. A friend of mine had told me about it and I was so excited to go...then the night before I started to chicken out. I wasn't sure if I was really ready for this. I know the baby's gone, but it's so hard to admit. It's even harder to admit to myself that I need help with this.

JM ended up calling in to work so that made me feel like we had to go, and I'm so incredibly glad we did. Just to be surrounded by so many people in the same situation helped immensely. Then to see all the people with other kids and to see actual proof that there's still hope, that this isn't the end.

The first part was a memorial service where the names were read and you could go put a ribbon angel on a wreath in memory. This portion was called "Remember". It was a very nice little service and it brought my emotions back up which I think was good...then I have to deal with them instead of push them aside to deal with at a 'more appropriate time'.

What helped me the most was the "Release" portion. First, 3 white doves were released. This was to help us look toward the sky, look toward the future, and signify hope. I believe they even said something about the doves carrying our sorrows and grief. Honestly, it was kind of hard to pay attention to the words because the 3 doves took off to the beautiful blue autumn sky and circled multiple times. It was such an amazing site. I truly felt like my soul was being cleansed to start fresh. That all of my grief and blame and every other emotion I had been feeling was being taken away by these birds, leaving me only with hope.

After that, a balloon was released with a card attached with all of the babies' names written on it. This was the second portion of the "Release", but for me it was so much more. As children, my brother and I would get upset when our balloons would fly off into the sky, as children do. To make it better for us, our parents would tell us that the balloons were going to Grandma's, which was many states away in NJ. This always seemed to make us feel better. After the miscarriage, one thing I truly struggled with was the fact that my baby didn't have me. I know it's with God and I know that should comfort me, but I should've been the one taking care of him. I wanted to badly to hold him and to know him. One of the things that helped me with this was knowing that my Grandma was holding him. I know she's taking care of him until I can meet him.

When the balloon was released and almost out of site, I turned to JM to joke that it was going to Grandma's, and the symbolism became clear to me. It was like a huge wave of relief hit. That balloon was indeed going to my Grandma's...she's holding my baby and all my balloons for me. So until then, I am allowed to go on with my life and be filled with hope for the future and it's alright...someone else is taking care of the things that I can't until it's my turn.

6 weeks and 4 day heartbreak

JM and I had been waiting till we were a little further along to tell the world, but a couple of weeks ago we found out we were pregnant. We had been taking it slow telling people and were just starting to realize this was real. The baby's name was "Ladi" for the time being and neither of us had ever known a love like this. We were falling harder and harder with each passing day and each wave of nausea.

We came down to Sanibel Island with my mom last Wednesday. Everything was great and we were all having a great time. Sunday JM left to go home since classes started, but Mom and I were staying till Wednesday. After he left Mom and I did a boating cruise and had dolphins ride along side us (I'll blog with pictures later) and everything seemed wonderful. Later Sunday, I started having some very light bleeding. I had read and been warned by the doctor that this could happen and was normal, so I ordered myself bedrest for the rest of the day and the bleeding seemed to subside.

When I woke up Monday morning the bleeding had become a little heavier so we called my doctor who instructed us to go to the ER since we were away from home. At the ER they were calling it a 'threatened miscarriage', meaning that I hadn't miscarried but the possibility was there. My cervix was still closed and the exam showed just a small amount of bleeding which calmed me and made me think this was just a scare. But then I went for the ultrasound (and since I wasn't far along I had to get a Foley catheter inserted to blow up my bladder...let's add a little more pain to this) and I could tell they weren't seeing anything. I knew it was early and there would be a chance the sak wouldn't show up yet, but in my heart I knew this wasn't good. I had read that you could hear a heartbeat by this time and I wasn't hearing a peep.

The ER had picked up by then so unfortunately it took about an hour for my nurse to come get the catheter back out. By this time I was in rather serious pain but I thought it was from the Foley. Then I noticed clotting when I went to the bathroom and knew it was ending. The doctor said I was probably going to lose the baby. Unfortunately, they sent me on my way with some vicodin but didn't explain what was going to happen. I think a lot of times with pregnancies people just assume you know more than you do. My mom had never had a miscarriage and I had no idea what to expect, so we just thought it was like starting your period. Mom was trying to get me a flight home that afternoon because it was making it so much harder being away from JM. Luckily the flight out didn't work because I never would have made it. By the time we got back to the condo I was in extreme pain and the 1 vicodin they gave me at the hospital was acting like a placebo. Mom called my doctor for me and they said what I was feeling were contractions and it would keep getting worse until the baby passed. At this point I sent Mom out to refill my vicodin thinking that would help (the pain was so severe I was worried I would pass out), but thankfully within minutes of her leaving I passed it.

The airlines couldn't do a whole lot and I understand. They would waive the penatly fee but I still would've had to pay the difference of the flight to come back today instead of tomorrow...and it was well over $100. All I truly want to do is get back to JM, it breaks my heart that he's at home by himself. But, the flight tomorrow morning has lots of open seats and that won't cost to get on standby since my original flight is in the evening, so Mom and I are going to the airport early tomorrow to try and get on the early flight. Then I go to the doctor on Thursday morning for the DNC or whatever it is to make sure everything cleared out on its own.

Although it was/is hard to be away from JM, I'm truly blessed that my mom is with me. I think she was on the phone for well over 3 hours yesterday trying to get flights changed and talking with my doctor and keeping my dad, brother, and even JM updated when I couldn't do it.

Thanks to all my friends and family for the kind words and listening ears. I wouldn't be able to get through this without you all. I think we can start healing when JM and I get to mourn together tomorrow.

I have a newfound respect for the words that you say to someone who is going through something heartbreaking. The ER doctor (PA, actually) was male and not married and you could tell he had no idea how to deal with a woman crying that you just told is going to lose her first baby. He gave me the whole speal about how the baby probably wasn't viable and that's why I was losing it so early, it's nature's way, etc. I just kept thinking, yea, I know this. It may not have been viable but it was OUR baby. But I had to remind myself that he's probably never experienced this and he only knows the 'medical' things to say. The little foreign lady who came in to register me to the hospital when I first got there did make me smile though. She was taking my info and I kept starting to cry, then she realized I was pregnant and what was happening. She came back in to give me my insurance card back and said, "You're not the only one going through this, you just have to pray". My first reaction was to think 'I don't care if every other room in this ER is some other woman having the same thing happen, this is MY baby in trouble'. Then I realized I think she meant I'm not alone...God is always there. It made me smile at her broken English and I felt touched, it probably took a lot for her to come back in and try to say something comforting to me.

Anyway, like I said, hopefully I'll be back in Indy tomorrow afternoon. And I know it's kind of cliche, but it does bring me some hope that at least we know we can get pregnant...this was the first month we tried.

And if anyone is up by our house, please feel free to stop in and check on my husband, or send him a text. I think what's hurting him the most is that he can't be with me, and it breaks my heart to know he's by himself. My brother went over and spent some time with him and I know my dad has been checking on him, but it would mean the world to me to have people check on him so he knows he's not alone until I get there.

No more ducking!

After JM mowed the yard today he made me a very happy lady...he trimmed back our big tree!!! You can see in some of these pictures from before how low some of the branches hung. To mow the lawn or even walk around you had to duck. This first picture was back in the spring so the leaves haven't filled in but you can see how low the branches hang.

This one kind of gives you an idea of how much it hung over our patio.

It looks so much better now. We could trim back a little more but we didn't want to be too aggressive and trim back too much.

And here's the man that made it all happen.