Remembering

With all the excitement of our pregnancy progressing, I haven't had much time to dwell on our 'missed baby'.  I've been so focused on this pregnancy that I found myself pulled out of my depressed state without even knowing it happened.  But in the last few days I've been reminded and it feels like a wound was reopened.  No where near the pain of the fresh wound, but this nagging ache of something that won't heal. 

A co-worker's daughter-in-law is due within days of what would've been my due date.  When I first found out we were pregnant, she and I had discussions and shared excitement.  The other day I heard her mention that her daughter-in-law could go into labor any day now.  The memory of the miscarriage hit me like a ton of bricks.  Our current pregnancy was blessing me with a wonderful ignorance of what time of year it was and what's coming up..my missed due date.  I don't even know how to describe it.  I'm so thankful for this pregnancy and feel blessed with our miracle, but at the same time, knowing that April 22nd is approaching hurts my heart. 

The daffodils JM and I planted last fall in memory of the baby have come up.  One has a bud which hasn't bloomed yet.  I'll share a picture of it when it does decide to bloom.  The other 2 have grown but there aren't blooms.  I have a feeling the resident bunny made a midnight snack out of them.  I don't mind, as long as she left 1, I'm content.  I love that we planted them outside of our bedroom window.  Every morning I open the drapes and they are the first thing I see.  It turned out to be a great way to keep our baby's memory alive. 

I find myself calling it our 'missed baby' now.  After I returned home from Florida, JM and I went to the doctor and the nurse said, "So I see you had a missed baby".  That felt like the perfect word for so many reasons.  The word 'miscarriage' hurts too badly to say, and after you've had one, it's too common of a word in your vocabulary.  But 'missed'...that's exactly what it was.  I missed it.  Emotionally, physically, any way you could imagine.  I just missed it.  Even now, when we have everything we could have ever dreamed and it is all going so smoothly, I miss it. 

Anyways, there's my sad note for the day.  Didn't mean to be Debbie Downer, but somedays the pain comes back and this is my release.  Well, wine is usually my release but that's out of the question for now :-)